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so damn...it's been a LONG time.
insanely long.
too long.
so much has happened since my last entry.
how your life can change in just a matter of 4 months...CRAZY.
more later...
when i actually know how to begin.
sincerely,
me.
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so....
what about the card you wrote...
what about the smile you once flashed...
what about the hand of mine you once held...
what about the races in your noisy car...
what about the walks we took...
what about the movies we watched...
what about the silence we shared...
what about the feelings that were true between me and you...
what about our inside jokes...
what about the endless laughter...
what about our message marathons...
what about our late night talks...
what about the break in the park...
what about the morning hello...
what about the calls in the middle of the night...
what about the waking up beside you...
what about the feeling safe in your arms...
what about the falling asleep on your pillow...
what about the tickle to death matches...
what about the rims...
what about a late night trip to walmart...
what about the pictures of you i still have...
what about the tattoo experience you let me share with you...
what about the hilarious trailers we watched over and over...
what about the rides in my truck...
what about the first kiss...
what about the VULNERABILITY....
what about...
what about...
what about...

is this all about you? no.
or all about you? no.
perhaps all about you? try again.
could it be all about you? naw.
BUT what does is all have to do with me? everything.

i sometimes think about why the people who are in my life...are just that..in it. or why i met them the way i did...or why they were a friend...something more...both at one time or another...a best friend...a forgotten someone. or how if i could go back and change things i would...BUT then realize i wouldn't dare...because then i wouldn't be me here today. of course with all of those yous i wrote about above...some i am missing...some i think about what could have been...some i think about what might be....some i think about and get mad because i can't figure out why i am thinking about all those things between us because in doing so i just keep thinking about them and you...haha. BUT...regardless of who and what they are to me today...right now...they all are still a part of my heart...a part of me...and the reasons for which they are in my life He will eventually let me see perfectly.
so what about all that? ;o)
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so...i just thought i would share this song with all of you out there who actually read my random ramblings.  
this is one of my favorite songs...at least christian music wise...and has helped my really focus myself back on Him
when i think the world is falling apart around me. and lets just say it's really given comfort to my heart and peace to my
mind this past week. sometimes setbacks come into like unexpectedly...but we are always strong enough to get through
them...just allow yourself to lean on God...and all the rest will fall into place. promise. :o)


You say you're falling apart
Reached the end of the line
Just looking for your place in an ordinary life
No one calls you friend
No one even knows your name
You just want to feel loved instead of all the pain
You no longer have to say
No one's listening anyway

Come here and cry on my shoulder
I'll hold you 'til it's over
I'll rescue you tonight
Let my arms be your shelter
Your hiding place forever
I love you more than life

You're wearing a frown
Given up on hope
My heart is reaching out
More then you will ever know
Is your burden too much?
Is it more then you can bear?
I'll help carry the load if you're willing to share
You no longer have to say
No one's listening anyway

Come here and cry on my shoulder
I'll hold you 'til it's over
I'll rescue you tonight
Let my arms be your shelter
Your hiding place forever
I love you more than life

You have had some hard times
Had thorns placed in your side
I know about what you've been going through
The tears of pain are falling down
It hurts so bad you're crying out
Your problems won't last forever
Let me put you back together

Come here and cry on my shoulder
I'll hold you 'til it's over
I'll rescue you tonight
Let my arms be your shelter
Your hiding place forever
I love you
Come here and cry on my shoulder
I'll hold you 'til it's over
I'll rescue you tonight
Let my arms be your shelter
Your hiding place forever
I love you more than life
I love you more than life
Current Mood:
relaxed relaxed
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so i was just going through a ton of old papers from college because i'm trying to put together my portfolios that i need to turn in to the teacher education board before graduation...and holy buckets was i just flooded with memories!!  not only did i have mounds of old class papers...but lots of papers that i doodled on...wrote little things to remember on...names of songs i wanted to download...books i wanted to read...my name with the last names of probably every guy i could possibly think of...lol.  kinda just knocks you back like a really good song can ya know?  takes your mind back to remember when. 

one paper i found i'm going to put in here because of the emotion behind the words that are written.  back in fall of '04 i job shadowed an english teacher at senior and she taught exceptional learners.  funny thing i learned about her class...the kids were such amazing writers.  they may not have been able to spell every word right, remember every convention, or even form a complete sentence, but dang...when it came to content and feeling...they seemed light years ahead of thier peers.  i still remember the first time i ever read this paper...and the tears that fell from my eyes because of the pain and struggle illustrated.  the young man literally put his heart and soul into this paper.  (all spellings, grammar, ect. are left the same)

i am from
i am from saterday mornings eating cocoa pebbols in my spuerman whity titys and waching Tennage Mutin Tertuls.
i am from rez rides, frankenstin bikes, three room apartments.
i am from dusty gravel raods that seem that they never end.
i am from where it seems that the land toches the sky.
i am from long day that never end and short days that should of.
i am from wher if your friends don't push you to succede, they help pull you down.
i am from winter nights that num your heart and summer days that melt your soul.
i am from long night with nothing to do and long summer weeks with no food.
i am from windy day and windy nights and walking to skool becus i have no bike.
i am from a broken heart with stickes through it and stop asking stupid questons when i should of known it.
i am from a long dark road wher the path is not visibel and living in the neighborhood of crimenolls. 
i am from wher romen nuddols are all ways cold and long, long nights of being cold!!!

honestly, tell me that did not tug at your heartstrings. 
~holli

"life is like a beautiful song mystery, only the lyrics are messed up."

"that's what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocense inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exsists a right and wrong, that decency will somehow triumph in the end."
Current Mood:
tired tired
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sounds kinda nice to me...to just let life sweep you away sometimes...away from reality...to just stand still while the world keeps moving along all around you.  it's also nice to just be in the moment of things too ya know...like take in everything and remember what brought you to here...and the reality that is now.  i guess it's just easier for me to say that i'm thankful that things are, so while we are, we can have gifts every day if we just open our hearts and spirits to them. 

and because valentine's day is coming up fast...thought i would leave some quotes of love in here too.  so whether you are celebrating love for that lovely other...or love just for you (because why not?!  haha) i think that we should all realize that love is really...all around us...we just have to let it in.

"love fills you up.  it mends the tattered and broken spaces in your spirit."

"whenever you've been touched by love, a heart-print lingers."

"love...it's gritty...it's euphoric...it's a nightmare...it's strange...it's full of good times and bad times-and that's even before the first kiss."

"love gives meaning to our lives but, at the same time, sometimes terrifylingly, love makes us vulnerable, as if the outermost layer of our skin had been peeled away."

"first comes love, then comes knowledge.  and that's the whole problem...you feel before you think."

and now some poetry...from me to you...  :o)

i wish you were my valentine
though i may not be yours,
and i may, in my ignorance,
be speaking to closed doors.

i have no inkling of your heart,
no hint of what you might say;
but when i think of you the sun
will just not go away.

there is in you a loveliness
that makes my darkness shine,
and so i'll wait, if wait i must,
to be your valentine.

love is hard,
love is crazy,
it can drive you to distraction...
lov can make you someone you thought you were not,
and suddenly do things without a thought...
and just sometimes...
love is not enough.
love stretches us,
and takes us further than we thought we could go...
but it does not take us past the limits of our nature.
and that...
is a hard thing to know.

and i just like this...

oh yes...if i love truly...
what i've discovered in the relationships
where i'm most vulnerable (when i'm not in love)
is that accepting the vulnerabilities of the other
is so hard.
i need that person to be
maybe,
some things he's not at that time.
when i'm emotionally fragile
my images of my beloved
rarely include
his righteous anger or disappointment,
indifference or incomprehension.
i catch
myself
somtimes
before i wander off into my perfected version of
the man i love.
that's not who he is
he may not even come close
that's all me.
what i need...
and that i must give myself without feeling cheated
that's not his job.
making me happy is my job,
and if i love truly...
whether or not
i'm emotionally robust or distracted,
i must be there for him in his dark, frightened times...
those moments of his questioning and confusion
require from the one who loves him...
patience
no judgements
and warmth without intrusion.
is this hard?  humph, oh yes...
yet i believe it's possible when a true friendship
is the foundation of a relationship.
often all that's really needed is a droll sense of
humor about the positions we find ourselves in.
if we remember what we cherish about him
and if we love him every bit of him adds up to something...
to the richness of our relationship.
forget who we think he might be and take all of
who he is.
Current Mood:
calm calm
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so i think that this quote is what i am going to base my new year on. i've learned this past year that the things you can't control...you have to give up to God...and just have hope, faith, and patience. i think that no matter what...everyone should strive to have something...someone to believe in too. if not, life just seems like an empty shell to me...full of the nothingness of fear. i think i would be numb if i didn't have God to give my heart too, faith to rest my heart on, and hope to ease my mind. so i think that no matter what it is you set your soul to believe in, or who, just have faith in something...and you shall see life immediately take a new breath of happiness...i promise.
Current Mood:
cheerful cheerful
Current Music:
hopeless love-daphe loves derby
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just some things i learned this year...and some things i re-learned...

write a love letter to God...listen to the rythem of your heart...pray...grow a greateful heart...forgive, forgive, and keep on forgiving...confess your sins to God...keep pride in check...seek first to understand...give thanks...end each day by thanking God...smile at someone everyday...decide what is important...make adjustments...be ambitious, yet realistic...be active...balance is taking time to stop and smell the roses...give yourself permission to do nothing...establish meaningful relationships...learn how to be spontaneous...monitor your own emotions, and accept emotional realities...define what you have lost and gained...recognize that you are not in control or responsible for the behavior of anyone but yourself...you are not superhuman...know your strengths and give your weaknesses to God...help others...take time for reflection...if you seek God, you will find Him...trust Him...share your dreams, and nuture them with prayer...know yourself...the best is yet to come.

and this is just a little something that sounds lovely to me...

find a man who can make you laugh when you're down and who laughs with you when you are up, a man who listens and asks and questions and responds. a man who rubs your feet to put you to sleep and who goes out for cafe mochas when you have to stay up. find a man who'll wash your hair, who'll cook you dinner, who'll talk to your father when you can't bear to, who'll read to you on trips, and who's happy when you read or sing or dance for him. find a man who loves many things...his work, his landscape, a sports team, his friends. find a man who knows that love is not a pie, that sex is not a sport, that faith (in God, in the world, in each other) is a lot like a full-time job. find a man who knows that women have a secret, and even though he can't know what it is, he is smart enough to want to live in its light. and find a man who can continue to surprise you...for a week...a month...a year...a lifetime...which is to say a man who has a big imagination, and who is willing to use it to win your heart.

find that man...i think so. :o)

take the time to reflect on your own life...what you have learned...re-learned...perhaps have taken for granted...and just maybe have found new light in. take time for God...and to put more effort and love into your walk with Him. and take time for yourself...sometimes the littlest and most simple things can breathe the most life into us.

~holli
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so happy to have you back in my life john finley. :o)
i missed you...a lot.
makes my heart smile.
Current Mood:
chipper chipper
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Your 2005 Song Is

Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

"But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on"

In 2005, you moved on.
Current Mood:
productive productive
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Guess our national leaders didn't expect this, hmm?

On Thursday, Darrell Scott, the father of Rachel Scott, a victim of the Columbine High School shootings in Littleton, Colorado, was invited to address the House Judiciary Committee's subcommittee. What he said to our national leaders during this special session of Congress was painfully truthful. They were not prepared for what he was to say, nor was it received well. It needs to be heard by every parent, every teacher, every politician, every sociologist, every psychologist, and every so-called expert! These courageous words spoken by Darrell Scott are powerful, penetrating, and deeply personal. There is no doubt that God sent this man as a voice crying in the wilderness. The following is a portion of the transcript:

"Since the dawn of creation there has been both good & evil in the hearts of men and women. We all contain the seeds of kindness or the seeds of violence. The death of my wonderful daughter, Rachel Joy Scott, and the deaths of that heroic teacher, and the other eleven children who died must not be in vain. Their blood cries out for answers.

"The first recorded act of violence was when Cain slew his brother Abel out in the field. The villain was not the club he used. Neither was it the NCA, the National Club Association. The true killer was Cain, and the reason for the murder could only be found in Cain's heart.

"In the days that followed the Columbine tragedy, I was amazed at how quickly fingers began to be pointed at groups such as the NRA. I am not a member of the NRA. I am not a hunter. I do not even own a gun. I am not here to represent or defend the NRA - because I don't believe that they are responsible for my daughter's death. Therefore I do not believe that they need to be defended. If I believed they had anything to do with Rachel's murder I would be their strongest opponent.

"I am here today to declare that Columbine was not just a tragedy-it was a spiritual event that should be forcing us to look at where the real blame lies! Much of the blame lies here in this room. Much of the blame lies behind the pointing fingers of the accusers themselves. "I wrote a poem just four nights ago that expresses my feelings best. This was written way before I knew I would be speaking here today:

Your laws ignore our deepest needs, Your words are empty air. You've stripped away our heritage, You've outlawed simple prayer. Now gunshots fill our classrooms, And precious children die. You seek for answers everywhere, And ask the question "Why?" You regulate restrictive laws, Through legislative creed. And yet you fail to understand, That God is what we need!
"Men and women are three-part beings. We all consist of body, soul, and spirit. When we refuse to acknowledge a third part of our make-up, we create a void that allows evil, prejudice, and hatred to rush in and reek havoc. Spiritual presences were present within our educational systems for most of our nation's history. Many of our major colleges began as theological seminaries. This is a historical fact. What has happened to us as a nation? We have refused to honor God, and in so doing, we open the doors to hatred and violence. And when something as terrible as Columbine's tragedy occurs - politicians immediately look for a scapegoat such as the NRA. They immediately seek to pass more restrictive laws that contribute to erode away our personal and private liberties. We do not need more restrictive laws. "Eric and Dylan would not have been stopped by metal detectors. No amount of gun laws can stop someone who spends months planning this type of massacre. The real villain lies within our own hearts. Political posturing and restrictive legislation are not the answers. The young people of our nation hold the key. There is a spiritual awakening taking place that will not be squelched! We do not need more religion. We do not need more gaudy television evangelists spewing out verbal religious garbage. We do not need more million dollar church buildings built while people with basic needs are being ignored. We do need a change of heart and a humble acknowledgment that this nation was founded on the principle of simple trust in God!

"As my son Craig lay under that table in the school library and saw his two friends murdered before his very eyes-He did not hesitate to pray in school. I defy any law or politician to deny him that right! I challenge every young person in America, and around the world, to realize that on April 20, 1999, at Columbine High School prayer was brought back to our schools. Do not let the many prayers offered by those students be in vain. Dare to move into the new millennium with a sacred disregard for legislation that violates your God-given right to communicate with Him. To those of you who would point your finger at the NRA - I give to you a sincere challenge. Dare to examine your own heart before casting the first stone! My daughter's death will not be in vain! The young people of this country will not allow that to happen!"
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
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